Two summers ago we had Dr. Gabor Mate come speak in Kelowna.  At that time he was a doctor in the downtown eastside of Vancouver, and had recently written a book entitled, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. He is an engaging speaker and thought provoking man.  In his book he has worked hard in 426 pages to bring a human face to addiction, and show that it is a complicated phenomenon – but that ultimately, it comes down to some pretty basic human needs.  I encourage anyone who wrestles with addiction, or has a loved one who is addicted, to read his book.

I pick it up from time to time to be re-energized and motivated to take on this daunting task of helping people overcome their addiction.  Today I read a paragraph that I would like to share.  It describes well Crossroads’ bio-psycho-social-spiritual philosophy.  It also helps to really show the existential reasons for continued, chronic use.

Mate (2008) writes, “Like patterns in a tapestry, recurring themes emerge in my interviews with addicts: the drug as emotional anesthetic; as an antidote to a frightful feeling of emptiness; as a tonic against fatigue, boredom, alienation and a sense of personal inadequacy; as stress reliever and social lubrication. And, as in Stephen Reid’s description, the drug may – if only for a brief instant – open the portals of spiritual transcendence.  In places high and low these themes blight the lives of hungry ghosts everywhere”(p. 32).

I like his use of the word “themes.”  As human beings we are all faced with these themes in our lives.  None of us are exempt from these struggles and none of us make it out unscathed.  Further, we all have found imperfect ways of coping with these major human needs and experiences.  Addiction to drugs and alcohol is only one imperfect way of answering these needs.  We all have mini-addictions that are there to gain our attention and let us know we are missing something.  Overcoming addiction and leading healthy lives is about listening – listening to the finger pointing of addiction in all of us.  The finger is pointing at you and your needs.  When we ignore this, we are “addicted”; when we pay attention, we are free.

Written by Jason McCarty, Outpatient Therapist

One way to look at addiction is that it serves a purpose.  Finding meaning in one’s addiction can help put the craziness into perspective.  For many clients, addiction leads them to the healing of deeper issues they might never have explored.  Addiction seems to work at getting one’s attention.  It also seems to work at forcing one to dirty themselves in such a way that pushes them to eventually take more responsibility for their lives (even though it may look as though all they want to do is push responsibility away).  People become addicted for a combination of a number of reasons.  Even if it seems as simple as pure habit and biological sensitivity, human beings always have choice.  For many it’s the best way to live with great amounts of pain, both emotional and physical. It takes time and mindful exploration to understand the “purpose” of one’s addiction – but it is there, somewhere within the soul.  Addiction can be seen as the soul’s cry.

Written by Jason McCarty, Outpatient therapist

One of the hardest things about having a loved one addicted to something is how to draw boundaries.  The traditional method has been something called “tough love” which means you take drastic measure to not support the person in the hopes that they will hit rock bottom and wake up in a ditch wanting to change their life.  Maybe you kick them out of the house, maybe you cut off all communication because your doctor told you to do so – or maybe you cut them off of all money supply.  Because addiction is so complicated and can make us all feel helpless, we can often take too drastic a measure to manage a loved one who is addicted.  Knowledge is not always a helpful thing, but in this case it is, and many people who will tell you what to do don’t really know addiction.  So the best our collective knowledge in the community can muster is “cut them off, kick them out, or stop talking to them.”  This can often make things worse for someone who is addicted and feeling helpless themselves, lost in a fog of self-hate and/or irresponsibility.  When any of us are lost we at least need something to tether to and when we do not have that we can fall deeper into the abyss.

While it is very important to draw boundaries with addicted loved ones, cutting them off from your relationship is not the answer (sometimes it may be).  You do not have to swing the pendulum all the way to the other side to begin managing boundaries better.  We can easily get ourselves caught in enabling behaviors.  It becomes a gradual process intended to help and protect and then we fear if we don’t continue they will end up dead on the street.  This catastrophic fear is not helpful either.  It can keep you stuck in the cycle.  The key is to find boundaries, smaller ones, that communicate the loved one what you will tolerate and what you won’t.   When they use in the house or when they come around high, it makes you or the kids or whoever scared, uncomfortable and angry.  You do not want this happening anymore.  You might stop giving them money, but will feed them.  You may have begun to learn their manipulations and start calling them on that.  Allow yourself to care for yourself just as much as you care for your loved one who is addicted.

People in addiction are still people.  Instead of focusing on them stopping their use, focus on what you don’t like about what they do in the relationship.  Not much of what you will do or say will get them to stop using directly.  But you can draw boundaries that protect yourself emotionally and mentally around their behaviors.  This way, as you speak from your experience in the relationship, they will not feel like you are trying to change them.  They will lose interest in being in relationship with you if they feel like you need them to stop using.  Keep them close to you in relationship so that when there are moments to discuss using and stopping, they will feel open enough to speak with you.

This is love.  Love is not tough.  Further, Love is not meeting all their needs, or doing too much for them because of fear.  I mentioned to a group of moms one time that all their worrying and attempts to control their addicted children were not even doing anything.  It is an illusion that our worries and attempts at control are doing anything.

Lastly, this is not easy!  Living with or being in relationship with someone who is addicted can be maddening, confusing, and downright unfair!  You might not have the energy to help anymore, or their might be other reasons why you need to cut them off from your life.  Physical safety, emotional abuse, and constant boundary crossing on their part need to be addressed appropriately by you.  You must care for yourself and/or your children while the addiction is running rampant.  But doing so in the name of “tough love” is not actually helpful.  If you have the energy and want to help this person, find a balance between enabling and cutting off.  It is all about balance when we decide to do things differently.

If you live near Kelowna, Crossroads has a group for friends and family called the Impact Group that meets every other Monday evening at 7pm.  We also offer outpatient counseling to those with addiction and/or their families and friends.  Check out our website for more information on these programs.

Written by Jason McCarty, Outpatient Therapist

Book Review
Mindful Recovery A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction
By Thomas Bien PhD and Beverly Bien, M.Ed. John Wiley & Sons, 2002

“Addiction is at its core a way of avoiding life rather than being aware of it”.

Mindful Recovery, with a foreword by noted addiction researcher, G. Alan Marlatt, offers helpful information and practical exercises to anyone interested in combining a mindful practice, based on Buddhist philosophy, with cognitive behavioural elements. “10 Doorways” are detailed, to help a person cultivate a more peaceful happy life, these include; meditation, life story awareness, journaling, harmony with nature, working with dreams, love, work, the transformation of negative emotions, and living with present moment awareness.

Mindful Recovery offers a helpful guide to recovery from addictions, by helping to create more, ‘moment to moment’ awareness. We are encouraged to be observers of ourselves, to watch our thoughts and body sensations from a detached and non-judgemental perspective. In this way, it is possible, to learn to tolerate emotional discomfort, as well as cravings, and urges as impermanent conditions or as a passing wave. A new life-style created in mindfulness, discourages addiction/relapse.

Information from this book, more specifically, material from the “10 Doorways” has been adapted to create a series of new workshops in our residential treatment programs to help clients understand and practice the concepts of mindfulness. Conscious awareness and inner understanding form a basis from which to free ourselves from unconscious and destructive behaviour patterns. By bringing breath and awareness to what ails us, we can transform ourselves and our relationships, and find purpose, meaning and fulfillment in ordinary life.

Written by Monica Kraft